UKRAINE TRAVELOGUE BY A NAÃVE AMYERIKANYETS IN
SEARCH OF A HOT RUSSIAN BRIDE OR A RUSSIAN LOVE MATCH
Odesa is certainly one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Kiev is also impressive in its own way with its huge streets and sidewalks and architecture that compares to the grandeur of Moscow. I enjoyed great weather for the two weeks, the stunning, dramatic architecture and the free concerts in the park.
I have had some unforgettable experiences here with the Ukrainian people that I will cherish, e.g., the taxi driver with the old Soviet era Lada spewing black smoke and no suspension to speak of going the full nine yards trying to find a Kiev night club listed in the Lonely Planet guide that we finally concluded must be closed. This guy was hilarious, ranting and raving in Russian, knowing full well I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about. He just wouldn’t quit trying to find this place for me for over a half hour for a $3 taxi fare, stopping, getting out of his taxi and asking other taxi drivers in such an animated way. I was laughing so hard at the end, I had tears coming to my eyes. He cracked up laughing too in spite of himself. I tipped him well.
Without a doubt, many of “the Ukraine girls really knock me out†with their long, shiny blonde hair, tight miniskirts, short shorts, push-up bras, plunging necklines and strappy, spiked high heels. A guy can sit in a sidewalk café for hours in Odesa ogling the parade of beauties strutting up and down the sidewalks like high fashion models on the runway. It boggles the mind. I know this from experience.
Like anywhere else, most of the people here are friendly and sincere – probably 60% of them. Some are mildly hostile or grouchy and others just plain vicious, petty and self-serving. The last group shouldn’t be a problem for you unless you have paid them well and entrusted them with helping you navigate the sometimes treacherous waters of the most vulnerable and intimate part of your life – your love life. And if they repeatedly betray you and blatantly violate your trust and confidentiality, it can make a guy feel altogether jaded and alienated for a while. And if you travel so far only to have all your efforts and expense to establish romantic relationships undermined by people you pay handsomely to represent you in a favorable way who instead poison the well, it might motivate you to at least warn others of the distinct possibility that these unfortunate circumstances may also befall them.
Below is a list of thirty things I wish I knew in advance that I’m presenting here as a service to my comrades considering taking the plunge into the former Soviet Union in search of a sweetheart. I am writing this on a lonely evening after having been stood up by a lady I’ve been communicating with for months. Although, I’ve been told by Hot Russian Brides Administrator Patrick Hollidge that the following points are not the responsibility of HRB to share with its clients, it certainly would have been nice to know more of what I could expect. If you decide to pursue face-to-face relationships with ladies on Hot Russian Brides (HRB) or Russian Love Match, all the same company with Anastasia Web as I’ve learned, you might be interested in the steep learning curve I have undertaken having met only six ladies in two weeks through their services:
1. Learning at the last minute that you have to spend at least $1,000 with them to get email addresses of the ladies’ agencies (to be fair, this point was spelled out in the fine print that I agreed to by logging on to the website);
2. Learning at the last minute that HRB will only give you ten addresses – five at a time because of their manpower constraints; they maintain that for some strange reason, it takes a lot of time to cut and paste those agencies’ email addresses into an email post for you; this was not spelled out in the fine print;
3. Learning that you cannot hand-carry attestation forms to the agencies upon arrival; they’re supposed to receive it one month in advance for some other reason; not spelled out in the contract;
4. Learning that there may be other unspecified paperwork due a month in advance; not spelled out in the contract;
5. Learning that the Russian visa application is long and tedious and may take several weeks to get approved – unless you want to pay $170 for expedited processing; to be fair, it’s much harder, bordering on the impossible, for them to get a visa to the U.S. nowadays;
6. Learning from a lady that you have to make travel plans through the agency of the lady you want to contact; if you object strenuously enough, they’ll maintain that the lady misunderstood and attribute it to the language barrier;
7. Learning from HRB Administrator Patrick Hollidge during a wake-up phone call from him at 5 am that he understands that he could inform his customers better as to what to expect, what needs to be done, and what timelines should be observed, but he doesn’t have to change anything on the website unless he wants to and that he can change the terms and conditions or anything else on the website whenever he wants to; he also states that he does not care what is written about him or his company on the internet (that’s a relief -- I certainly wouldn’t want to upset him);
8. Learning that HRB’s affiliated local agency administrator (Inna Chernaya) in Odesa may state in writing that you will be charged $250 for each contact to see if you’ll bite; again, if you object strenuously enough they may tell you that the charge is really for five meetings and blame the language barrier for the misunderstanding; the Kiev agency stated that they charge $100 per meeting, but settled for $70;
9. Learning from the Odesa agency that they will also charge $50 for each subsequent meeting with the same lady; apparently, if you marry the lady, you’re indebted to the local agency administrator for life; of course, she is likely to deny having said that and blame it on the language barrier if challenged since there is no written contract with her agency and no provisions in the contract with HRB;
10. Learning that the address of the Odesa agency is insufficient even for two local taxi drivers to find and finally when a third taxi driver helps you find the building, even residents of the same building do not know where the unmarked office is;
11. Learning that, after having knocked on many doors of the building to inquire where the office is, you find the correct office, but there is nobody there to receive you or to keep the appointment that you made with HRB’s affiliated Odesa agency administrator;
12. Learning that when you call the affiliated agency administrator in Odesa with whom you had an appointment but does not speak English, she just hangs up on you without an explanation of any kind;
13. Learning that it you complain to HRB that they will finally call for you to get the local agency to set up some meetings and do their job, but they will scold you for not knowing psychically or magically that you had to submit the attestation form in to the agency one month in advance; they will do you the favor of calling the agency to get some services for you, but you must understand that you’re not really entitled to these additional services for your $1000 and that you should feel indebted to them for interceding for you because you didn’t submit the attestation form a month in advance (it’s kind of like telling you that your car doesn’t run because you didn’t register it in time); apparently, their motto is “The customer is always wrongâ€;
14. Learning that local agency personnel refer to their clients as “little children†or “cheap†if they complain about the services or lack thereof;
15. Learning that the ladies you had looked forward to meeting the most suddenly took a holiday out of town and will be unavailable until after you leave town;
16. Learning from the Odesa agency administrator Inna Chernaya that other ladies who said they are anxious to meet me do not want to meet today due to the weather (it rained for about 20 minutes that morning, but blue skies prevailed for the rest of the day); I learn from one of them later that they had never been contacted earlier;
17. Learning from a lady that the administrator of the affiliated Odesa agency has badmouthed me in no uncertain terms for daring to complain about poor services and is surprised to learn that I’m really a nice guy; and here I am, paying the salary of this toxic administrator who has poisoned the well;
18. Learning in four email posts one right after the other from another lady that I had hoped to meet that I had been complaining too much according to the agency administrator and that she is no longer interested in seeing me; for some reason, I had expected that, even if the administrator could not speak well of me to the ladies I had communicated with for months, that she would at least exercise confidentiality about problems not involving ladies I had hoped to meet;
19. Learning later from the same lady that she would be willing to meet after all and asks you to call her the next day but she gave you the wrong mobile phone number to call; you call her son the later on and he tells you her correct mobile number that isn’t even close to the one she gave you;
20. Learning that a lady with whom I had never communicated has come all the way to the agency from a town outside of Odesa to see me as soon as possible and that I should come to the agency right away; I looked up this woman’s webpage and don’t recall ever having seen her before and had certainly never communicated with her at all; was told that she had three children, but her webpage lists her as having no children; declined the invitation/summons and communicated with HRB Administrator Patrick Hollidge via email about this bizarre situation; he replies with the non-sequitur and “Pat†response out of left field that I’m just unhappy with the response I got from this “relationship†with this woman I never met or even wanted to meet; WTF??!!
21. Learning that another lady I’ve been communicating with for several months appears in the flesh looking 20 lbs. heavier and ten years older than her pictures;
22. Learning that three ladies who advertise themselves as not drinking or smoking actually drink like fish and smoke like chimneys – one of whom even ordered cigarettes on the restaurant tab; they laugh when you mention that discrepancy and shrug it off by saying that they could quit drinking and smoking if their future husband wanted them to;
23. Learning that most of the ladies who stated on their webpages that they possessed intermediate English proficiency actually speak English as well as most Americans speak Russian and require translators to accompany us at $10/hour; of course, each time I end up paying for the translator’s meal and drinks as well to avoid looking like a cheapskate;
24. Learning that one lady who appears as pretty svelte blonde on her webpage is no longer svelte or blonde grilles me about why I got divorced and whether my kids are gay and orders enough food for three in an expensive restaurant; then seems to object if you eat too much of the $60 worth of shashlik that she insists on taking with her in a “doggie bag†after the one-hour dinner date; you discover later that the food was for the local Kiev agency employee whom you paid $70 earlier that day for the contact who later complains shamelessly that she ended up getting only three pieces of meat;
25. Learning that a high percentage of Ukrainians are openly prejudiced against our black brothers; although they may say that they love blues and jazz, many use the “N†word liberally; when you point out the duplicity of their dislike for the people who created blues and jazz and are the best athletes in the world, they shrug it off with, “I don’t have to like them to like their musicâ€; then they seem surprised and offended to learn that you don’t find bigotry an attractive quality;
26. Learning that one lady you are introduced to as a substitute for a last-minute cancellation is in love with some guy she met several months ago and that she got a student visa, although she does not intend to study anything, and cannot wait to move in with him in New York in a few weeks, but that she does get severely depressed when they quarrel which makes her feel that life is meaningless because she has no goals in her life;
27. Learning that the same lady has ordered her favorite entree for both you and the translator, along with two double shots of whiskey that both you and the translator expressly told her was not wanted; then finding that the restaurant that advertises accepting VISA credit cards won’t accept yours for the food and drinks you didn’t even want or order because of some unexplainable glitch in their system;
28. Learning that it takes over a half hour to cash a VISA Traveler’s Cheque if you can find a bank that will cash them and you have to stand in queues at three different bank windows before you get your Hrivnia; of course, they charge a 2% commission fee as well and will scold you if you complain; also, it seems that some people here will cut in front of you while waiting in line if you don’t assert yourself;
29. Learning that even some of the banks that advertise accepting traveler’s checks will not accept them and out of frustration, you end up taking cash advances off your credit card at a 3% commission fee;
30. Learning that you can easily go through $200 for a three hour dinner date (including the agency fee and translator fee) and then the “non-drinking, non-smoking†lady already three-fourths drunk and practically chain-smoking who is severely depressed and in love with someone else and only half as pretty as her pictures asks for another $7 for taxi fare back home – and maybe you get a faint-hearted wave and a glib smile as the taxi pulls away. If you look closely, you might be able to make out the thought balloon above her head that reads, “Sucker!! … Loser!!â€
Aside from the above, my trip to Ukraine was just great. It really was.
As you might expect, the ones who appear on their webpages to be real lookers are more conceited and less available or totally unavailable when it comes down to making actual plans – and then, if you do get to meet them, they may not look all that great in person. Don’t underestimate the power of Photoshop software to make a glamorous photo of an average looking woman appear to be a top fashion model with impossibly long legs to die for that go all the way to heaven. I don’t necessarily believe this, but I have to admit that, for all I know, some of the real lookers could be men using models’ pictures. Of course, there are also plenty of hookers available who are probably more honest with respect to delivery of services promised – and way cheaper. I certainly would not recommend this for several reasons, one of which is the fact that the AIDS epidemic here is full-blown and on the rise. Russia has the largest HIV epidemic in Europe, and accounts for around two-thirds of the cases in the Eastern Europe and Central Asia region. Of course, one has no way of knowing which of the Hot Russian Brides may be HIV positive either. Who knows? Maybe I just dodged a bullet.
All that said, I wouldn’t totally rule out the possibility that you could find your soul mate on the dating websites. Of the six ladies I actually met in two weeks, there was one that I was interested in seeing a second time, but she said that she was leaving for a vacation in Crimea the next day – possibly with her boyfriend, for all I know. She commiserated with me about these experiences, rolled her eyes, nodded knowingly and summed it all up by saying something I heard from several different people in two weeks, “This is Ukraineâ€, meaning that this is just the way it is here. It’s no wonder that so many are so desperate to get out of this country. Of course, there are many sadder and more tragic stories where trusting guys spent over $10,000 to bring ladies to their country on fiancé (K-1) visas, only to be abandoned by them in a matter of weeks.
In all fairness, I do believe that there could be many sincere sweethearts somewhere here who would be wonderful soulmates and make all this pain worthwhile – however, probably a lot less likely to be found through Hot Russian Brides. I have heard that some other local agencies with less hype or no exposure on the internet, especially in smaller towns, may provide a better selection of ladies whose pictures may not be appear to be as sexy or glamorous as the ones on Hot Russian Brides, but who may be more genuine, sincere and down-to-earth. I can imagine all of the trouble taken to find this “heart of gold†would make all of these problems seem very romantic and comical. I can imagine my grandchildren laughing as I tell them about the hell I had to go through to find their Ukrainian grandmother. It may be possible that, despite all this expense, inconvenience, headache and heartache that I experienced, someone could actually get lucky and find a lady with real integrity and inner beauty who does not view us as prey. I cannot calculate what those odds are. You do the math.
However, there was clearly no luck in the cards I was dealt by Hot Russian Brides or Russian Love Match and its local Ukrainian affiliates in Odesa and Kiev. I decided to fold my hand and cut my considerable losses. It turned out to be a very expensive learning experience. I fully acknowledge that there were no guarantees that I would win at this game. It’s just that I feel like I was dealt cards from the bottom of a stacked deck – and they wouldn’t even let me look at my hand until after I had placed my bet.
“Caveat Emptor†(buyer beware).
August, 2006
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