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First things first, this post will probably be longer than it should be. I will give out more info than needed to truly give me advice on my situation, but I want to include as much information as possible to give the readers the "whole" picture.
Secondly, I do not know if this belongs in dating, relationships or what, so feel free to move it to the appropriate section at your discretion.
Let me start off by telling you about how my love life started. When I was 17 I met a girl and fell head over heals for her in every way possible. I understand now that this was just puppy love, but it developed in to more throughout the years with her. When I was 20, we moved in together after 3 years of going steady. The relationship at this point should already have been over but we both refused to end it as it was our first real shot at love. After living together for less than a year, we had to split. We were breaking up to make up, over and over again.
What made this relationship horrible?
We would argue non stop and take turns doing things to hurt the other person. She would cheat one me, I would cheat on her. She would say things that really pushed my buttons and I would return it. After breaking up (I was 21 at this point), we went our separate ways and lost contact for months.
Neither one of us was over the other and over the course of the next 2 years we would have weak moments where we would continue to run to each other.
Every couple of months we would spend an incredible 2-3 days together and it was like heaven on earth. As soon as the initial happiness of having each other back wore off, the problems would return and we were on horrid terms and not talking a few days later.
At the age of 23, I cut ties with her completely after I came to the realization that we could never be, it was just not meant for us to be together.
For the next 2 years after this I turned myself into an emotionless rock and a "player" of sorts. I would meet girls, draw them in, use them for gender and never speak with them after. It got to the point where I would go to a bar with the sole purpose of taking a girl home for gender and would be successful in doing so the majority of the time.
When I turned 25 I started to realize that this is not the life I wish to lead. I want to have a partner, I want to be in love and I want to start a family.
I started to date girls for more than just a quick sexual fix. All of the girls I would run in to did not deserve my time in my mind. They were dull, boring, not the smartest around and had no life goals or any kind of drive to improve the way they lived.
About a year ago I ran into one that was not like that at all. She was sexy, intelligent, had a career and knew exactly what she wanted out of life and how to achieve it. We casually dated for about 2 months and then she hit me with the commitment talk. I agreed to be exclusive with her as I saw so many good qualities in her that I would have been a fool not to want that.
After the talk we did not get a chance to see each other for a few days due to work etc. During these days the realization started to hit me that I just made a commitment to a woman and I started to become unsure as to why I did so? I continued to reassure myself with all of her great qualities and kept telling myself that I am just getting nervous as it has been years since I had this.
The next time we hung out, it went horribly wrong. Neither one of us acted any different and if this night would have happened a week before it did, it would have been incredible.
I started to notice the smallest things that would irritate me. How her hair would fall over her face from time to time, how her butt did not jiggle enough in her sweat pants, how she would put too much ice into a drink she made for me... The dumbest, most juvenile things in the world. 2 days later we hung out again and I broke things off with her.
She asked me why I am breaking things up as she felt like everything was going great and when I told her about the tiny things she does that were irritating to me, she said that those are simple little things that she could change. She got up, got me a drink, put less ice in it, put a spring in her step so her butt would jiggle a bit more and even went and got a bobby pin to keep her hair in place. I could not stay with her however for reasons that I don't even know.
When I left there that night, I felt a sense of relief come over me, like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt free again.
3 months ago I met a new woman. She is perfection personified. Her body is out of this world, we work out together, her face is that of an angel and she thinks a lot like me. We share a ton of common interests and our way of thinking is identical. In my book, she is as close to a perfect all around 10 as they get. Did I mention she is mind blowingly beautiful? Well, she is.
After casually dating for a couple of months, the dreaded talk came about again. She wanted me to commit because if she is to invest as much time into me as she has, she wanted to know that I was serious about where her and I were headed. I was happy as can be to know that my dream girl exists and that she wants to be with me.
Here I am, a month later and I am losing hope yet again. I have yet to notice anything that bothers me about her, we have yet to have any kind of fight or disagreement and she always pleases me in every way I want before I can even voice it... It is downright perfect.
Yet, I am finding myself drifting away from her emotionally. This morning she send me a text message as she was getting ready for school that reads:
"Just wanted you to know that you are absolutely woundeful and I hope you have a great day at work".
Cute, right? Why am I failing to think so?
I am currently at work and she is in school (I am 27 and she is 22). She gets out of school at 4 and I will be off work by 5. I know that she will call or text me either as soon as she is out of class or as soon as I am out of work and she will want to hang out or at least talk for a few moments. I am dreading this moment. I don't feel any desire to interact with her on any level.
Why is this happening?
Why does it seem like I continue to want to self destruct?
I think part of me misses all the arguments I had in my first relationship, all the break ups, all the sleepless nights because anger was the most predominant emotion at that time, but why in the world would I miss that? I was miserable back then.
Why I am taking a girl that 99%, nay, 100% of guys would kill to be with, that has no flaws, and trying to find a reason to throw it all away? Why am I looking for a reason to break up with her when there is no reason to do so?
Any kind of insight will be great. I have thought about this time and time again and can not seem to draw any conclusions on my own, so I am coming to you now hoping that you see something in this that I do not.
If you need any more information on anything, do not hesitate to ask, I am desperate here and I will share whatever is necessary (within limits of course) to hopefully fix myself.
Thanks in advance.
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